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Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will will be forgiven.

Luke 6:37

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:21

When I hit the ground, I knew I wasn’t getting back up. Something was different. Something was wrong. And something in me knew that if I moved things would get worse. As the shock from the fall wore off and my head began to clear, the hope that I could walk this off also started to fade. I was no longer in control, I was no longer ok. I’d have to go to the hospital, and someone would have to take me. 

A friend asked me why I went back to climbing after I dislocated my shoulder in that freak accident. I have wondered that myself. It was my first real experience with the fragility of the body. It was a massive injury that led to two of the most painful hours of my life, and several grueling and often discouraging weeks of rehab. I remember sitting in blinding pain with my shoulder still out as I waited for the emergency room nurses to confirm that I hadn’t suffered a fracture. I thought back in horror on all my years playing football and rugby, and the sheer dumb luck that this hadn’t happened then. I thought to myself that had I known what this felt like I wouldn’t have even considered playing these sports.

But now that my perspective isn’t under the 8000 pound weight of despair which my pain hoisted over me, I can say that if I had to do high school over again (*shudders*) I’d absolutely go out for football and rugby again, and I certainly won’t stop climbing. Yes this poses a risk, and arguably an unnecessary one. Everyone understands that life is risky, and everyone draws the line at a different place in terms of what they consider necessary. For me, these calculated (and sometimes less calculated) risks have played a key role in building my character. Facing my fears, persevering through adversity and failure, pushing through fatigue, experiencing camaraderie and accountability on a team; these are just a few of the ways contact sports and climbing have helped make my life immeasurably better.

Whether you agree with my risk calculation, I think we can all agree that relationships are both necessary and risky. As painful as my shoulder injury was, it pales in comparison to the emotional pain I’ve experienced from being hurt by other people. If I had a choice between reliving my shoulder injury or reliving the worst time someone hurt me, I’d go back up the wall, and this time I’d aim for style points. 

This is the first lesson my shoulder injury taught me about forgiveness: it’s courageous and necessary. If I have trouble forgiving, I can cut myself a little slack. I’m dealing with something extremely painful and scary. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was let someone move my shoulder; even tiny bumps in the road on the way to the hospital sent stabbing pain shooting through my arm. But I knew there was no other option. Just because something is heroic doesn’t mean it’s beyond the call of duty. Some people find Jesus’ command that we forgive cruel. But this command is no different from the doctor telling me I had to let him move my shoulder to put it back in place. If we want any hope for living a happy life, we need to forgive.

The second lesson I learned was that forgiveness does not equal healing. When Dr. Joe Cool waltzed into the room and put my shoulder back in as effortlessly as if he were tying his shoes, I felt instantly better. But that relief was short lived. Getting my shoulder back in was only the beginning of a long journey of healing. It was weeks before I could even lift my arm above my head. I was in constant pain, and at least once my shoulder fell back out. When we forgive, we’ve taken the first courageous and necessary step toward healing. But we should be patient with ourselves if we don’t immediately feel better. 

Third and finally: don’t force it. In rehab I realized that all the stretches and exercises in the world wouldn’t get me back to normal in one day. In fact, if I tried too hard and did too many stretches I risked reinjury. There was only so much I could do, and then I needed to give myself time to heal. Many people shy away from forgiveness because they think forgiving the other person means feeling better about what happened and/or liking the person who hurt you. We must always remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. And while forgiveness is one of many things we can do, at the end of the day we will sometimes need time for the heart to heal. Sometimes it might be weeks or months or even longer before you can talk to the other person. That doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them, and that doesn’t mean you aren’t healing.

I hope you’ve found what I’ve written helpful. If you think it’d help or encourage someone you know, please send it to them. The last thing I’ll say is that if you need to forgive, don’t try to do it alone. Bring your pain to a trusted friend, and if necessary, to a professional therapist. Most importantly, bring it to Jesus. I suggest writing down what the person did and how it negatively impacted you on a piece of paper. And then tell Jesus about it, knowing that he understands you, he loves you, and that there’s nothing you can’t overcome in him, and nothing he can’t heal in you.

John Brundage is a seminarian with the Companions of the Cross. He also writes a Substack Newsletter called Integrated Prayer.

Check out John’s faith-related articles here!